How to Know if You Have an Ugly Dog

We’ve all seen it, the dog owner who seems blissfully unaware that they are living with the canine version of Steve Buscemi. Beauty is in the eye of the pet owner. It’s part of the magic of pets. The same thing that looks like a burnt geriatric rat might be a cute dog in the mind of a pet owner.

The crazy thing is that this weirdly makes sense to people who love dogs. I know my Rexi is objectively the most beautiful furry princess on the planet, but I know that most people think she is only one of the most beautiful. 

Naturally, other people’s failure to recognize the singular beauty of my dog drives me into a murderous rage, but during brief moments of clairity, I can see that my perception of my cute dog is driven largely by how much I love her. And lots of people love an ugly dog. 

This raises a terrifying question: How do you know when you have an ugly dog? As the person who loves it the most, you are least qualified to make the judgment, so you can start by shutting down that gut reaction you just had to dismiss the possibility that you might have an ugly dog. You don’t know any better than a three-year-old does about who deserves the title of World’s Greatest Grandpa. 

So here is my list of signs that may indicate that you are the owner of an ugly dog.

1 -- People always talk about how your “cute dog” has a “nice personality.” 

Now, some dogs both have nice personalities and are cute dogs, so you shouldn't jump to conclusions just because somebody compliments her personality. And I know what you’re thinking: A dog is not a blind date. But a dog is your best friend, and think about how you would describe your not-very-attractive friend…

2 -- Your “cute dog” breaks mirrors all of the time.

It’s not the poor dog’s fault. They have trouble controlling their emotions, and just because you are blind to his objective ugliness, the dog himself knows what he’s looking at in the mirror. Yes, I know that the pet psychologists with their fancy degrees say otherwise, but put yourself in an ugly little rat-dog’s shoes. Wouldn’t you lash out at the sight of yourself?

3 -- You’re a super villain (or maybe just any old villain).

Everybody knows that a pet is a reflection of its human’s personality, so you may have an ugly dog if you spend your time trying to take over the world, undermine GI Joe, or engage in nefarious schemes that can be easily unraveled by pot-smoking teenagers with a dog and a van. Now that I think about it, that last one is just a regular villain, not a super one. Feel free to contribute in the comments with any ideas for how to label the specific class of villain we’re talking about here.

So that’s my list. If these things don’t apply to you, then you’re probably in the clear.